For those who have not followed this blog for a while, I thought I would re-cap why it exists before I share a bit about today …
My name is Stacy, and I live in a bipolar energy life. Although bipolar disorder falls under mood disorders, I experience bipolar as an energy force more than as a mood force. Although those around me who experience me in the midst of this might say it is propelled by mood, in my body I sense it as energy.
The title of the blog – slowingtheracingmind (written that way to emphasize how the racing mind works) – comes from my need in the high energy times to use this blog as a coping mechanism to slow down my energy enough to capture it and channel it into a blog. What the title does not do, however, is tell you that the blog can also be a coping mechanism when the mind has slowed to the point that getting out of bed in the morning is the most difficult thing I can imagine doing.
That is today, and I am blogging my way out of the fog. 500 words a day keeps the crazies away.
I stayed in bed until far after I was meant to be up, out the door, and at work. I knew that I was only putting off the inevitable – the need to get up, face the world, and answer the phone calls and emails that need answering.
But everything seemed overwhelming, unnecessary, and complicated. I wanted to just stay in my bed where I was not in pain (thank you, recent back injury), where no one interrupted my quiet, and where the covers seemed to wrap around me in a way that made everything seem ok.
Even going to Target to pick up Tylenol for the girl was overwhelming! Do you know how many different forms of Tylenol there are? 500 mg, 250mg, extra strength, extended release…the list goes on, and the list overwhelmed me.
After I dropped off the medicine at the girl’s school, I headed into work where demands sit waiting for me…still. On days like today, I use a phrase on myself that I use on others when they seem to have an overwhelming feeling in their lives for some reason or another – be gentle with yourself. In other words, do what you can, it will all still be there tomorrow, and tomorrow will likely be better than today.
As I walked from the parking garage into my office, I had a nagging thought that comes to me during these times. You must not waste a single moment, not a single day. How dare you take for granted that you have breath?
And it is true – I should not waste any amount of time. I am here. I know that I am here with a purpose. And I know that even today, with its low energy and lack of zest for life, is a day to be lived. What gets done will get done, and what does not will wait. But I cannot hole up in a bedroom waiting for my head to clear of the fogginess. I need to role out of the comfort of my bed and do what I can.
Tomorrow is another day. As I wrote that, I thought of a line from Great is Thy Faithfulness, and I would like to end today’s post with the whole song (line that came to mind in bold)…a reminder that I am not alone in this fog and that I have hope beyond today.
Great Is Thy Faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness, O God, My Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not;
As thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.
Great is thy faithfulness, Great is thy faithfulness;
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy, and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!